What about how I'm feeling right now?

it's a little like...

2006-10-04T02:50:37Z

so i get that things don't always turn out exactly how you plan them. in fact, the little twists and turns in life often make it the most interesting but i sometimes wish that just once something would happen just the way i plan it. even if it is just one small minor event in my life. i am sure that this is a common wish among many and i am not the first to voice my frustration.

you're only pretty when you walk away...

2006-09-28T02:53:25Z

i collapsed.literally.
it was completely embarrassing.it happened in front of a ton of people i did not know and i was rushed to the hospital(yes kristin in an ambulance).albeit i had no idea any of this nonsense was happening i woke up being proded by this no nothing intern at troy beaumont. apparently the heart is a little more hurt than we all thought and i have to drive back tomorrow to the hospital and spend all day again in the hospital.

erratic heartbeats are not all in my imagination. who would have guessed?

sing goodnight all my friends...

2006-09-08T03:30:03Z

i would like to make a general statement about myself and while this is directed towards the one person that will not read this here it is. sarcasm and wit is who i am and they happen to be two things about myself that i really like. the truth is i hate when you judge me so harshly because i'm not exactly sure who i am yet. there are only a few things i know and while i may i use those things to hide behind i don't think that they are anything to be ashamed of. they make me, ME. this is something i know and i don't appreciate you making me feel bad for telling you the truth and confusing me.
on a side note my new "heart" medicication has given me two symptoms: dizziness and loss of appetite. while one is annoying the other can be considered a plus.
life here at the heights can be considered quite the same.my hospital stay has left me with no classes for this semester which can be considered both good and bad.no school work, but in alot of ways school work keeps me sane and i will also be put very far behind on my overall goal in life. well, just have to work that much harder to catch up. its my own fault any way.my car is once again in my possession which will give me my much needed escape route back. as for me, i'm better. nauseatingly bored but better and just looking for something productive to do with my time. a new annoyance at the homestead though is the increasing presence and seriousness of my mother's boyfriend who has quite possibly the most lame stories and absurd laugh i have heard in my entire life.

this is probably one of my more whiny entries and i must say it was needed.

one more dream tonight...

2006-09-05T03:10:02Z

well moving back up to state has been put on hold for a week long trip to the hospital for heart problems.
i'll miss being away from home but there is some stuff i have to settle here before i go back anyway. always find something good in every situation.
my mind has finally been able to sort some emotions around to make more room for rationalization to peek through.which i really needed.

this is for all those wilted petals on my floor...

2006-08-23T15:35:45Z

so it is here... finally.

tomorrow i will move into hubbard with possibly the best roommate ever and of course i have left every ounce of packing until the very last minute.i alos have bought nothing of neccessity to the room as of yet.yeah i'm a real go getter but i am absolutely ecstatic. i also must add that i have never seen a parent more excited for their daughter to leave than my own mother. in fact she has even passed her moving in duties off to my grandma, yep that is how much my mommy loves me! hee hee, whatever i am to excited to be living with kristin to linger on anything that makes me angry.

my excitment today is being severely hindered by possibly the most crippling headache i have ever had so... i have made a plan. i will for the moment leave my room in complete disarray and intense chaos without even a semblence of organization and take a nap.rid myself of this hindrance and then i promise myself i will have everything packed hours before my grandma comes to pick me up tomorrow at one o' clock. i will also clean the house spotless so that my mom will realize how much she will miss when i am gone.

wish me luck.

take what you can...

2006-08-16T03:10:58Z

i am so ready for a change of structure.
i am again watching gilmore girls, yes i know i should be commited but i had a craving.i'm also watching all my movies with cast commentaries.like i said i need to get out of here.but good news little mini trip up to the EL. i think it will be the first time that my little green car will not be taking the journey with us. its quite depressing b/c i was so close to snatching it last night for a little rendezvous but i was discovered minutes before intended departure.i almost cried. i want to drive, i need to drive so desperately it is almost pathetic. oh who am i kidding its completely pathetic.

it's another longest day of the year...

2006-08-06T11:07:25Z

so i have stories to share but i will save that for personal interviewing.
this weekend has kinda got me out of this summer slump that i have been in. this whole weekend a smile has been plastered across my face and i must say that though my sleeping habits have not improved one bit i feel much lighter and happier.i just have to keep this up and stall the impending dread of the new semester classes slowly descending on me.look past that and instead see, that i will be living with a top notch gal, my drama will be at a minimum, and i will no longer be kicked out of my own room every other weekend and placed into friend custody.

the world on a string...

2006-08-03T09:24:11Z

so although this is a little delayed my friends are so completely amazing. and have made my birthday unforgettable and i love them so much for it.

everything i see lately seems to remind of something else and i can't just can't seem to put my finger on what it is.that was completely random but it has bothering me to no end.also i have had a constant headache for the past three days. its one of those intense headaches that makes it hard for you to get out of bed. with that said it brings me to two other things directly related to that subject. one is good and that is these headaches that almost cripple me have gotten me out of working for my psychotic uncle.the other things is that i can only sleep in hour increments before i wake up even if it is for a few moments. the weird thing is that it is almost on the hour. so for the past few days i have slept all day until 3 when i wake up for an hour to watch "what i like about you" (and yes i know how pathetic that sounds), but no matter how hard i try to sleep at night i can't. so i have read three books in the past two nights.i am in this outrageous stall pattern and i can't seem to do anything to break through.

okay so summary of my existence over.

all the things you said were pointless...

2006-07-24T04:14:58Z

i used to think that there was some sort of plan for all of us that we were meant to carry out but i now think that there is nothing. its all random stumbling into darkness and if you ever really think that there is something meant for you to do you realize that you are completely idiotic for ever getting your hopes up on anything.

i realized i hate the way people ask questions when they don't really want to hear the answer. they just read into what you say whatever the hell they want.countless times i have spent saying something only to have my point completely missed. not only that but i can't help but feel completely inadequate in every aspect in my life, destined to be nothing more than mediocre at anything, but no one really listens to me when i tell them i am so lost. so stop judging and let me be.

just let me live this completely pointless inadequate life that i have created for myself.

reading all about it...

2006-07-18T18:40:35Z

i have decided that i am way toooo nice. i always get roped into stupid pointless outings that i have the least interest in so that i can please other people. and yet no one ever listens to me. and that irks me to the highest degree. there are so many times when i can rightly throw the "i told you so" phrase into the faces of the people surrounding me. time after time i constantly repeat myself that no one ever listens and most of the time i am correct and more than willing to admit when i am wrong. its not not so much that i always have to be right, it's that no one trusts me to be. and that is the revelation from this week.

i'm always broken like this...

2006-07-14T16:45:02Z

i've decided that livejournal is an addcition more so than myspace beacuse here is where i tell people all the random pointless facts of my daily life that no one really wants to hear. I don't even want to hear them. but like i said this is an addiction and every time i sit down in front of my computer i feel i must write on this.

so, i went to canada finally as a person officially able to legally drink. it was everything i expected and that is enough said. my neighbor is standing outside in his backyard leaning against the fence that connects it to our yard, talking on his cell phone and i am staring at him through the slit in my curtain with a surprising level of curuosity.this detail points out to me the dullness of my life. well, in that case i will not let this pointless addictive ramble continue any longer as much for my benefit as yours.

you'll never know how slow the moments go...

2006-07-08T07:11:20Z

i am actually pretty tired and yet sleep evades me. not because i want it to but because i am sharing a hotel room wall with my uncle, whom could not possibly listen to his tv any louder. i have spent the last two days basically as his slave, and when not at his beck and call i hide behind a hot tub in the showroom and read. you may ask why behind and not in? well, b/c none of them are full ,of course, they won't be full until i complete the paperwork for the 50 hot tubs my uncle has sold and they are then installed. there are six pages of paperwork per hot tub. let me just say that i am not getting paid enough for this torture.

i wish someone could save me...

the only answer...

2006-06-29T09:52:15Z

i have all these unanswerable questions going through my mind. what makes me angry is that there are so many of them that should be easy to discover the solution to. do you ever feel so lost but you still haven't figured out why? on top of all these questions there are so many things i have to say but the moment i sit down to write them out, they slip magically back into the deepest recesses of my mind.i wish i could convey this feeling that has come over me with words but the more i try, the more aggravated i get with my undecisive thoughts.

i'll drown in the rain drops...

2006-06-25T11:22:02Z

do you ever wish that you were someone else?
i've been thinking about that lately. trying to pick who i would want to be but the truth is even though i would be in someone else's body i would still be... me. i would still have no one, be surrounded by no one. the only thing is i'm slowly suffocating to death and no one sees it. the whole world is going around me at light speed and i am stuck on the sidelines watching everyone blur by.

in conclusion, i'm sick of trying so hard just to...live.

laugh and joke around...

2006-06-22T16:51:18Z

do you ever just need something but for the life of you, you can't figure out what that something is? well, that is how i feel. it's as if my heart is searching but nothing comes up. it's as if there is no answer, no cure to this state that i am in. this nonexisent state that i have placed myself in.i've realized that i have comepletely lost all ambition. i have no job and i spend every second of my time doing absolutely nothing of importance. imean i know that is what summer is for, at least to some extent but i am really pushing the limits. i really am certifiable. i am so lonely that i think i have started talking to myself. basically i am just so lost and i am setting myself up to fail. the things that happen to me, the situations i put myself in, the products of my actions are so unbelievable that after they occur i have to sit back and over analyze only to come up with no clue as to who i am.

No clue.

the place it takes me now...

2006-06-06T08:06:20Z

i feel so caged in.
my heart is constantly beating in an erratic fashion as if it is just waiting for that moment when it won't have to beat anymore. being cut off from people, from driving is taking an unexpected toll on my being. the only thing of any signifigance that has happened to me in the last few days, is that i have a monsterous gash on the bottom of my foot that sends searing pain through my being every time i take a step. other than that i have read six books watched countless movies and finished all five seasons of gilmore girls twice since i have been home. i still have no job, i no longer can drive, and even if i could i have no car. so you can see how incredibly pathetic and desperate my life has become. the clincher is that though i have all this time on my hands with which i could sleep away my existence, i can't sleep. i have spent numerous nights with no sleep. in fact i have probably spent maybe three hours sleeping in the last three days. i can fall asleep for no more than hour before i once again sit glued to my tv screen. i'm restless. it is as if i ma waiting for some sort of sign that my life will not forever be this, this inconsequential i guess.
whatever, if i died today i would be more than grateful.

perhaps a shade better...

2006-05-07T07:55:47Z

Do you ever feel like going for a drive. with the blinking yellows and reds, the glow of your headlights on the pavement stretching before you, and the possibility of forever. it's as if this road, this feeling can last for as long as you need it to. the freedom to decide, to take your desination into your hands. it's an escape, a way to clear your head. for me that includes the cold air splashing across my face, windows down, and music blasting throughout my car and into my sleepless nights. it takes me away, lets my mind wander to what is next. whatever it is.
i guess what i am saying is hands up on the wheel, destination anywhere.

hearts beating and thumping perfectly in time,,,

2006-04-29T07:02:01Z

so i am completely restless as usual. my heart is constantly pounding with this fear of failure ever looming over me. i promised myself i would do better but that certainly has not been the case. i am ever more behind and completely unmotivated. i guess that is nothing new and utterly pointless news. i still have not signed up for my classes and frankly i am scared shitless because i know that i am screwed. there is no way that i will get the classes i need at times i can take them. well, whatever fuck me becuase this can suck my ass. i am so mad that shit happens to me all the time. i mean the phrase "shit happens" is the essence of my life. i am so lost. i can not wait to leave my bitches for roomates behind and yet i dread spending so much time at home. though i hopefully will not be spending much time there because i need to work 24/7 and i have 3 hopefully 4 classes as macomb and of course there are people to see places to go as always. so it may be that during the summer home may be just a figment of my imagination. hopefully.

living in a cubicle...

2006-04-18T03:20:01Z

do you ever wish there was just someone to talk to?
you know an unbiased third party to tell you that you are making a complete mockery of your life and everything you wanted. well, i have felt the constant need for this person lately. just someone to tell everything on your mind to and you don't care whether they think that you are crazy or not. i mean i have friends that i tell almost everything to but there are just certain things that are just hard for me to say. to anybody, so why do i think i need this unbiased person when i most likely will not tell them anything anyway. who knows? i obviously have problems.

good news the whether is amazing, i am thouroughly enjoying rolling the windows down and blaring my music for the word to hear. you know you are all loving it too.

you take whats yours and i'll take mine...

2006-04-03T15:35:35Z

So any one a dream expert, because i keep having this reoccuring dream(well, when i sleep) that i'm walking somewhere that is incredibly beautiful. There is someone walkng with me but i don't see his face. He reaches for my hand as we are walking and i feel serenely happy and at that moment i feel my feet fall out from underneath me. Its as if the earth has opened up and is swallowing me. I'm slidding away and the person disappears into the abyss. I then see a protruding rock that extends out of the landslide, steady, and it is clearly placed there so that i can grab onto it and save myself. each time that i reach for it i miss by only a feww inches and then i too fall, into this abyss that has opened before me, and all i can see is darkness.

Then i wake up, back to reality.

i'm sitting and staring again...

2006-03-29T04:23:42Z

so, i have officially decided that problem is that i am fatally restless.
an airport somewhere directtly near campus is absolutely no help. whenever i see a plane pass by i wonder two things:
where are those people going
and why am i not going there with them.
i mean i guess i don't want to go technically with them but i do know i want to go anywhere but here. i know very cliche but seriously i have problems and i finally figured why i have to be constantly moving. my heart is restless, let me just say i am scared that i will never hear the sound of settling.

on that depressing note (god, could i be more emo) i have something i would like to share because frankly i thought it was one of the funniest things i have ever read...

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just
need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take
it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd
forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered,
saying "Hello.! "

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn
Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in
number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked
down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally
transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number
again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an
asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to
it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a
really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always
cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole
calling" would have to stop. So I called his number and said, "Hi,
this is John Smith from Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our
Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking
spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been
waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his
back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole(I had his number on
speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is", he said.

"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.

"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow
house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his
number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house,
with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better
start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said.

"Hello, asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said! .

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over
right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that
I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to
kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in
Mowbray Blvd, I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray.

I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the
crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter
and anews crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really works

when the cookie crumbles...

2006-03-24T15:16:50Z

I love that i go to bed when the natural lights come and the flourescent are dimed low.

(by flourescent i mean the whore sign that illuminates my window, hee hee)

i recognize the worry in your eyes...

2006-03-17T08:46:39Z

do you ever wonder about yourself.
you know whether you are a good person or not?
i guess what i mean is that i used to be a nice person and now, i've lost touch with her. that person that could hold her tongue when it came to making fun of people, and yes, i used to be that person. I have always complained about people changing around me but i now see that i too have changed and not for the better.

k, well this has been pointless journal entry number one million and you can count on one million more to come.
stay tuned for the rest of my random insight on insignificant aspects of my somewhat pathetic life. I can't say completely pathetic for the moment because i have a few exciting things to look forward to such as... She's the Man: which if you know me i am supremely stoked about; panic! at the disco, hellogoodbye, and the academy is... tickets, movie weekend, movie day date with my brother, and hawthorne heights, fall out boy, and such included bands. so a few good things to take my mind away from the slowly dripping puddle that makes up my memory. by this i mean that everything i learn has decided not to take up permanent residence in my mind. early onset of senility, that may be. yet, i seem to be able to retain useless information such as song lyrics and songs in the movies.
alright i will make you suffer no longer from the incessant ramblings of a loser.

you were ready to, but never could...

2006-03-05T04:59:33Z

It's pretty pathetic when your mother's social life is more actice than your own,
and even more so when you realize that she is prettier, skinnier, and gets more propisitions from guys in one night than you have most likely gotten in your entire life.

Its sad but that is my truth, my reality
i need to go back to covering my eyes, fuck.

nobody knows how it goes, like me...

2006-02-28T08:14:47Z

I want my somebody to be an insomniac like me so he can join me in my sleepless forays into the night.